I am not brave.

I wish I would have. Years ago. (image from: http://shannamurray.bigcartel.com)

Brave.

It’s a word I’ve been called over and over again because I chose to come out of the shadows and tell Eric’s story. My story. The dark one.

But I am not brave.

Brave would have been standing by my parents’ side when the held up protest signs outside of the Cathedral. But I didn’t.

Brave would have been attending all of the trials, hearings and facing his perpetrator. Looking him in the eye. But I didn’t.

Brave would have been telling this story years ago, not more than 12 years after the fact. But I didn’t.

Brave would have been shaking the Bishop’s hand, holding it tightly, and giving him a piece of my mind for orchestrating the cover up. But I didn’t.

I am not brave. I am like a soldier who rushes onto the battlefield long after the casualties have been counted. Sword thrusted in air. Battle cry ringing out years after the last blood was spilled. I am not brave. I’m just finally no longer a coward.

5 Responses to I am not brave.

  1. Amy says:

    Oh Cat, you are brave! You need to remember how young you were when this happened. You had to grow up too fast and learn the sad facts of life earlier than we hope our children will ever have to. You were still quite young and not yet capable of the kind of bravery you think you should have displayed. As a mother, you know you would not expect from your children the expectations of bravery that you are putting on your younger self, and I am sure your mother did not hold those expectations for you, either. Hold your head high and know that you are a brave, strong woman, and that young girl who was just trying to wrap her head around it all and live with her new “normal” was doing the best she could. (And having grown up in a church where we are taught to trust our priests and respect those in authority without question, I cannot imagine that it would have been easy to process through that part of it, either. There were lots of things happening that rocked your foundation, but you were brave enough to continue to trust God and grow in your Christian faith. You are stronger than you know!)

  2. Knowing many who fail to ever tell their story or stand by the fallen and honor their truth…they are the cowards, and I say that with empathy. You are full of courage and your willingness to share lifts me up. Blessing to you. (This is a great piece).

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